John Kuraoka
Wilderness Association of San Diego
Okay, here's my New Year's Resolution: I will get rid of all the gear that I never use. But first, my Holiday Wish List:
Most backpacks are designed to transfer weight to your hips. I want a backpack that's designed to transfer weight directly to the ground, without stopping on my hips or shoulders. A ground-carry back-pack. Someone should talk to Wayne Gregory about this, and quickly since there are only a few shopping days left.
I also want a backpacking camera. It should be small, of course, and lightweight. But, most important, it should have a judgment compensator. That way, when I try to take a picture of dawn gently flirting with craggy old peaks and the dappled morning light glistening like dewdrops on a perfect little camp in the foreground, the judgment compensator will kick in and an electronic voice will say, "who do you think you are: Ansel Adams?" I'll slink off and leave the picture in my memory, where it belongs, instead of taking yet another snapshot that'll be too dark at the bottom and too light in the middle. Save a lot of money that way.
I want a trail flattener for obvious reasons.
I want a sleeping-bag warmer. Not the human kind, with cold feet, but something that'll warm the bag before I climb in, and keep it warm when I have to climb back out. They used to sell bricks for this sort of thing, but I haven't seen them lately. I think backpackers decided that, if there was one thing worse than cold feet against the insides of your shins, it was a cold brick. Actually, I'd settle for the kind with the cold feet, too.
I want a portable lie detector. That way, when the leader says "it's just over that hill" the lie detector says "BRAAAAP!" and there you'll have it. Trouble is, the lie detector won't know where you are, either.
Speaking of knowing where you are, how about a smart compass? After all, if we can build bombs that know how to get from here to there, why not a compass? You could even hook it up to the lie detector. That way, when you're reading a map and saying to yourself "this is that ridge over there, and here's Sheepshead Mountain, so we must be right here," the compass says "BRAAAAP!" and there you are. Even better would be to hook it up to the camera with the judgment compensator (it's a modular system). Then, when you're considering heading off cross-country through the desert to get over to that next wash, an electronic voice says "who do you think you are: Ansel Adams?" and everyone look confused because Ansel Adams had nothing to do with map and compass, except that he took some pretty good pictures while wandering about the wilderness, probably lost because he didn't have this modular compass system.
You've heard of insect repellent. Well, the last thing on my Wish List is cholla repellent. Cholla is also called "jumping cactus". Jump, hell. It'll walk 40 miles through a sandstorm just to poke holes in you. All in all, something well worth repelling.
As soon as I get all that, I'll get rid of all the other gear cluttering up my garage. Because that's my New Year's Resolution, you see.
